The Curious Case of the Ephemeral Beefcake

Turns out DC has a storytelling scene because at this point having one is like having a music scene: it's a question of flavor rather than existence. Spectra and I have been to a few shows at a few venues and it tastes very familiar. Once again, anthropology 101 teaches us "people, any people, are far more alike than they're different." Why is this lesson so difficult for me to absorb? A question for a another time.

This story is about the time I was featured in a pin-up boy calendar. If you know this story it'll sound basically the same. I also look the same so, um, yeah.

As always, enjoy... or not.

Farewell My Target Shop Assist: ペチャクチャ style!!!

You know that speaking format where a person presents 20 slides that auto-advance every 20 seconds? It came from Japan and is called ペチャクチャ which translates to "chit-chat" but is better known by the Japanese which sounds like "pecha kucha." For reasons I won't delve into here because Spectra's parents will read it, that sounds weird to me in an English context.

Whatever you want to call it I did once about my beloved and brief stint working in the downtown Minneapolis Target. Here it is.

Moth Story Slam Final (22 Jan 2016 edition): the story I told

I'm the guy in front.

#8 Bangkok Doghouse: that dang song was right

When we got back from Southeast Asia I didn't feel like telling any stories about it or anything else. But then I was struck by a whim and one thing led to another that resulted in my telling a story last night at Story SlamMN about how Bangkok kicked my ass.

NOTE! This is an actual recording of me telling the story in public. The quality isn't great but it isn't awful either.

This may or may not show up on iTunes at some point because I always forget all the persnickety steps required but there should be a player beneath this that really should work.

Thailand Unrelated Storytelling Video Thing

Just in case you might be one of the people out there worried about my mental state and believe the recent lack of activity on the blog is an indicator of my depression, it isn't. This week I've been working on my video application to be the MPR/Moth Travel Scholar on a trip to Greece in May.

By dint of winning a Moth Story Slam* I was eligible to apply for the opportunity to go to Greece with Kevin Kling and a gaggle of MPR lovin' tourists. This would be a working vacation for the Travel Scholar as she or he would, in addition to various storytelling responsibilities, be required to keep a video diary and maintain a social media presence as well as other duties to help make this a marketable event for MPR.

The application was simply answering four questions that MPR/Moth provided in a 5-minute video. Here's my video:

Not my finest work, I admit, but I'm out of practice (or maybe it IS my finest work; a chilling prospect). It did whet my appetite for making a "Kaonashi Visits Some Stuff" video though so that might happen.

By the bye, I checked with MPR to see if being in Bangkok affected my eligibility and they said it didn't. Just that they'd take it into consideration.

Don't tell anyone at MPR but I've already got mixed feelings about the prospect of going. It would almost certainly mean going home in May because there's a bunch of stuff the Travel Scholar has to participate in back home. While my lungs would relish cutting my stay in Bangkok short that would mean leaving... get ready for it...ready for it?... that would mean leaving the kids I'm tutoring. Predictably in the way back of my mind I'm already dreading this inevitability. If there's one thing that terminally prevents my ability to actually become Buddhist, it's this. What is the point of NOT getting attached to little adorable people? I can't see it which is why I'll be back as a kid for them to tutor some day. Maybe I'll get it then.


*This is the one story I didn't invite anyone to. I did it on a lark for Melissa Clark because she was bummed about the prospect of not seeing me tell a story again for a good long while. You might think I remember this night as the one where I won a Moth event and qualified for the Travel Scholar opportunity. Nope. I remember it as the night I met Clark's then new significant other for the first time and he FRAKING ACED a potentially dicey social outing for a new boyfriend. Seriously, he delivered a pitch perfect, tour de force, ass whuppin' social outing that night. It was, in the words of Professor Slughorn (whom I'm sure Ms. Rowling will shortly reveal is actually an a-sexual alien who marries both of the recently divorced Ron and Hermione), "Wondrous to behold."

Storytelling Podcast #8 Gift: the road to truth is paved with lies (I hope)

This has nothing to do with Bangkok or travel or non-American culture. This is one of my storytelling stories. One of the stories I'd hoped to have posted by Thanksgiving 2013. {shrug} This story is largely about my nannying and child/human development philosophy. Now that I think about it one of the kids I mention in the story is Chinese so I guess there is a connection to the region Spectra and I are in. How about that. Life, it just keeps coming at you.




In case the player above this doesn't appear or work there are a variety of options for listening to the story on Archive.org.

It's also available on iTunes. Or at least it was when I checked a second ago.

#7 Vote: whistlin’ Dixie north of the Mason-Dixon

My parents assure me I was enthusiastic about democracy in elementary school. Since then something changed. This is a story about electioneering on behalf of the Democrats in 2008. An outing that eradicated my last shred of faith in DEMOCRACY.

The two-thirds of this podcast are really the story I told and the last third is rant I couldn't help but record. So if you're not into democracy/AMERICA critiques you can stop listening when the outro starts.



In case the player above this doesn't appear or work and you don't have access to iTunes this link should take you to a page where you can hear the story:
https://ia601006.us.archive.org/10/items/FOAP7Vote/FOAP7-Vote.ogg

#6 Evil: yep, it’s out there.

I am a-religious, agnostically agnostic (if you will), but I do believe in capital-E, proper noun Evil for the simple reason that I’ve seen it. And it looked familiar.

This is the second of three stories that are more-or-less chastising lectures. If you’re not into that sort of thing I guess I’d skip it but I am into that sort of thing so it’s hard for me to say for sure. So enjoy or not or whatever.



In case the player above this doesn't appear or work and you don't have access to iTunes this link should take you to a page where you can hear the story:
https://ia801003.us.archive.org/1/items/FOAP6Evil/FOAP6-evil.ogg

#5 Cash: don't cry for Argentina

Cash, the physical stuff, is weird. I hastily wrote this story about it and then opted not to tell it at the last second. So, um, enjoy?

Yeah, so, it took me a good long while to getting around to recording this story. Sorry about that (Sarah and her parents). It's a long, non-story worth story but I swear I'll get on the next story right quick for at least two reasons. First, the next story is better than this one. Second, I forget all of the subtle steps in this process so it take three times longer than it would if I just recorded more frequently. I'm on it, I swear.




In case the player above this doesn't appear or work and you don't have access to iTunes this link should take you to a page where you can hear the story:
http://ia801902.us.archive.org/0/items/FOAP5Cash/FOAP-5-Cash.ogg

#4: Pee Wee, the Asylum, Mom, & Me

This is the omnibus version of the story I told in the Story Slam MN 2012 finals. The theme was Road Warrior: Adventure Stories and I shared one of the seminal events of my existence. It involves my traumatizing transition into middle school, Pee Wee Herman, an asylum, and my mother going so far above and beyond the call of parental responsibilities it was illegal.

If you downloaded the podcast on iTunes and the audio is wobbly, well, that happened. I'm not sure why but through randomly fiddling with stuff I managed to fix it (don't ask me how because I don't really know). If you delete that wobbly version and download it again the audio should be fixed.

The scene and events at the finals are a story unto themselves. So I've wrapped my adventure story with the story of the finals. That is to say this very long podcast is in fact two related stories: the Story Slam MN 2012 finals and the story I told there. If anyone out there were to feel I'm being persnickety and cramming way too much into one thing I wouldn't argue with you (even though you're wrong).

In pre-deference to those who feel that way (aka Raser) the adventure story starts at 8 minutes, 56 seconds and runs for 23 minutes. That's right, I spend almost as much time talking about the finals (19 minutes) as I do telling the adventure story. Call me a completist if you must, which would be fair because I have that tendency. I also took the extra step of building chapters into the story that you should be able to use if you're listening to this via iTunes.



If you don't use iTunes and the player above either doesn't work or doesn't appear, this link should take you to a page where you can listen to it:

http://ia601600.us.archive.org/3/items/4PeeWeeTheAsymumMomAndMe/PeeWeeAndMe.m4a

One last thing, this is what I looked like when the story took place. To give you sense of how out of touch with reality I was, I thought I looked like a hooligan striking fear in the hearts of all who crossed my path.



Oh, yeah, that was me and I still look back fondly on that haircut.

#3: Superheroes: they're out there, way out there

The third topic for storytelling was Superheroes and this was by far and away my worst story, at least in terms of audience response. It contains several Star Wars references which went over about as well as Salacious Crumb at a Droid sleepover. So either people aren't that familiar with Star Wars or I'm not very amusing. One explanation seems more likely than the other but I'll let you decide for yourself.





http://ia801605.us.archive.org/25/items/FishOnAPole3Superheroes/Foap3Superheroes.mp3

#2: Armageddon: good... ¿versus evil?

Oh, ho. ¿What's this? ¿A second posting with the second podcast? ¿Already? Yes, indeed. And it only took me the better part of two days; a far cry from the two months the first post/podcast took me. This is the second story I ever told at storytelling. The topic was "Armageddon: good vs. evil" and, as always, this is a true story.

I've made a couple of format tweaks to the podcast. There's a theme song written and performed by yours truly (it would be fair to get excited, yes) and an introduction that's basically me saying what you're reading (no need for excitement, none). This will also be available on iTunes if you search "sawyer blur" or "fish on a pole." I'm not sure what the lag time is between when I post this and when iTunes makes it available but if it's not there now it will be soon-ishly.

WARNING: this story acknowledges the fact that societies other than the United States might be doing admirable things that are worthy of note. American jingoists might want to steer clear of this one. I would never have thought to add this but when I told my grandma (RIP) more-or-less this story a few years ago she sat listening in clearly aggravated silence before yelling at me, "¡they tried to kill your grandfather!" ¿Who? The Japanese. ¿When? World War II. ¿Why? Presumably because the US and Japan were at war rather than any particular grudge held against my grandpa, who was a delightful man (although that has nothing to do with the story).



http://ia600608.us.archive.org/24/items/ArmageddonGood...VersusEvil/Armageddon-goodV.Evil.mp3

#1: Beefcake Pinup Boy

Hello, teeny tiny subset of humanity. As an even smaller subset of you know I've been working on making the stories I tell at storytelling available online so that you can skip my shows without so much as a whisper of your conscience wheedling away at the back of your mind saying "but you should be supportive." Now you can support me from the comfort of wherever you feel comfortable.

Or not. You don't have to care one lick about any of this if you don't feel like it for any reason or reasons you wish. Here are few I can think off right now: you don't like the sound of my voice; you don't like my stories; you hear me tell stories all the time; you just flat-out don't like me; you rue the fact you're related to me through marriage or dating. All of these are perfectly valid.

If you do care I'll somewhat quickly get caught up with all the existing stories and then post the new story every month. I'm still fiddling with recording and production techniques so the sound of these is likely to quickly evolve over the near future. There will come a day when you'll be able to find these on iTunes, I think, but we'll see. In any event, this is the beginning. Thanks for being here.

This is the first story I told at storytelling and is no doubt the second best I've told. It's about the time I was briefly a notable semi-nude pinup boy calendar model. In case you're wondering, you could safely listen to this with your parents or children (but not both).


http://ia701503.us.archive.org/1/items/BeefcakePinupBoy/BeefcakePinupBoy.mp3